FANTASY ART & ASSORTED ODDNESS by Patrick W. Stewart
ABOUT ME: The Pointless Section
Every family has a black sheep, and this is my story. Although, I do think of myself as more off-white. I don't mean the Bryant Gumbel kind of off-white, I mean.............................lost the thought. I could just be like one of those odd albino people to everyone. I wonder. Is Bryant is considered an albino by black people? Sorry... drifting a bit. The point is, I'm kind of the defect of the family. If we were the Baldwin family, I'd be Stephen. If this were a horror movie, I'd be the two-headed kid they kept locked in the basement. (I think the Baldwins tried that with Stephen at some point too. It didn't work as he keeps making movies. Ghastly.) But surprise!!! I got out!!!! Well, partially out. I can be a tad reclusive. Common for us humble creators. Eh?
Although many people occasionally treat me like I belong in the Special Olympics, I'm not retarded. I merely have chronic fatigue syndrome. As it makes me very tired and...ummmm...off-in-the-bwain (& speech, balance, etc.), I suppose it would make some think that. All that cognitive disssssfunktionnnnn and all. Even I, looking at myself in the mirror, sometimes think that my reflection looks retarded. BTW, I do occasionally wear the helmet just for fun. Oh, and my eyes are far too close together--spooky. It is annoying, I admit. Heck, try going through life feeling eternally sleepy and lightheaded and see how you feel. Also see how people treat you. Heeeeey there...as an experiment, drink 2 bottles of NyQuil (don't sue) every day for a week and walk around attempting to do the stuff you normally do. Check out people's reactions as well. Sooooo much fun. Anywaaaaay. Yeah...I pretty much feel naturally "high" most of the time. I do save a lot not having to buy alcohol and drugs. (That's where most artistic people's money seems to go.) I actually prefer to stay clean honestly. It's much cheaper. Still, CFS is pretty frustrating to have and terrible for the image. Oh well, I'll be ok. Don't mean to sound bitter or whiney. I am, but I don't want to sound that way. (Pity me. Buy art.)
(BTW, I was NOT in any way dissing mentally retarded people in the above segment. Well, except maybe Sylvester Stallone. Wait. Did I mention him? Oh...no, I didn't. Well, guess I took care of that right there. Soooooo...that's ok then. Had to slip in an Italian crack for stereotyping. Want to make sure I offend as many humans as possible. But not toooooooo much.)
Returning to the babbling up above...
Now that I think of it, I believe part of my family has always thought I was gay also. Hmmmmmmm. I'm an artist. I like to cook and do it fairly well. I like to clean and organize. I dress (semi) fashionably. I like classical music & love songs. I appreciate beauty and nature. I'm close to me dear mum. Oooooo. That really doesn't sound too good when you line it all up like that. No wonder I just can't win in the image department. I think this is one of the reasons I prefer to stay alone and create. People just imagine too much freakin' stuff about me. What??? Paranoid you say??? Perhaps. Perhaps. Paranoid like a fox!!!!
Ok, I went away for a while after that last paragraph and started remembering some other things. I brush my teeth at least four times-a-day. I always make sure I close the toilet seat after using it and often double flush. I also spray air freshner right before I leave the bathroom so it smells fresh for the next person. I make sure I re-cap the toothpaste after brushing. I trim my nails once-a-week. My shampoos (yes, plural) and bodywashes are fruit scented (usually citrus). I watch Masterpiece Theatre on PBS and especially enjoy the period costume dramas. Geez! With all of that I might as well break out the Crisco (don't sue) and bend over. Yep, may as well tuck me willy between me legs and sit down for a wee from now on. Man...no wonder people look at me strange. I'm actually a very nice straight guy though. Really...I am.
You didn't want to know any of this did ya? Well, it is an "about me" page. Gotta put something on here.
And what did we learn from all this?
That many twisted & defective people become artists. Teach this to your offspring.
And...don't sue. Suing people is not very nice.
Although many people occasionally treat me like I belong in the Special Olympics, I'm not retarded. I merely have chronic fatigue syndrome. As it makes me very tired and...ummmm...off-in-the-bwain (& speech, balance, etc.), I suppose it would make some think that. All that cognitive disssssfunktionnnnn and all. Even I, looking at myself in the mirror, sometimes think that my reflection looks retarded. BTW, I do occasionally wear the helmet just for fun. Oh, and my eyes are far too close together--spooky. It is annoying, I admit. Heck, try going through life feeling eternally sleepy and lightheaded and see how you feel. Also see how people treat you. Heeeeey there...as an experiment, drink 2 bottles of NyQuil (don't sue) every day for a week and walk around attempting to do the stuff you normally do. Check out people's reactions as well. Sooooo much fun. Anywaaaaay. Yeah...I pretty much feel naturally "high" most of the time. I do save a lot not having to buy alcohol and drugs. (That's where most artistic people's money seems to go.) I actually prefer to stay clean honestly. It's much cheaper. Still, CFS is pretty frustrating to have and terrible for the image. Oh well, I'll be ok. Don't mean to sound bitter or whiney. I am, but I don't want to sound that way. (Pity me. Buy art.)
(BTW, I was NOT in any way dissing mentally retarded people in the above segment. Well, except maybe Sylvester Stallone. Wait. Did I mention him? Oh...no, I didn't. Well, guess I took care of that right there. Soooooo...that's ok then. Had to slip in an Italian crack for stereotyping. Want to make sure I offend as many humans as possible. But not toooooooo much.)
Returning to the babbling up above...
Now that I think of it, I believe part of my family has always thought I was gay also. Hmmmmmmm. I'm an artist. I like to cook and do it fairly well. I like to clean and organize. I dress (semi) fashionably. I like classical music & love songs. I appreciate beauty and nature. I'm close to me dear mum. Oooooo. That really doesn't sound too good when you line it all up like that. No wonder I just can't win in the image department. I think this is one of the reasons I prefer to stay alone and create. People just imagine too much freakin' stuff about me. What??? Paranoid you say??? Perhaps. Perhaps. Paranoid like a fox!!!!
Ok, I went away for a while after that last paragraph and started remembering some other things. I brush my teeth at least four times-a-day. I always make sure I close the toilet seat after using it and often double flush. I also spray air freshner right before I leave the bathroom so it smells fresh for the next person. I make sure I re-cap the toothpaste after brushing. I trim my nails once-a-week. My shampoos (yes, plural) and bodywashes are fruit scented (usually citrus). I watch Masterpiece Theatre on PBS and especially enjoy the period costume dramas. Geez! With all of that I might as well break out the Crisco (don't sue) and bend over. Yep, may as well tuck me willy between me legs and sit down for a wee from now on. Man...no wonder people look at me strange. I'm actually a very nice straight guy though. Really...I am.
You didn't want to know any of this did ya? Well, it is an "about me" page. Gotta put something on here.
And what did we learn from all this?
That many twisted & defective people become artists. Teach this to your offspring.
And...don't sue. Suing people is not very nice.
