FANTASY ART & ASSORTED ODDNESS by Patrick W. Stewart
PATRICK'S GIANT BEEF: Page 1
VERIZON VS COMCAST: Attack of the annoying ads & more (begun August 17th, 2009)
(That's right mate...I have four!!!)
YOU LEAVE ME CHEESED, THEREFORE YOU GET MY BEEF!!!!
Ok...I know I'm not the only one who's irritated at these companies. (Can I get a shout out???) But the competition between these two has really been leaving me cheesed off these days. Now, ok...first off, I want to say that my main beef is against Verizon. I mean, yes, Comcast is part of my beef, but, a smaller part. (That last statement sounded wrong.) Their television ads are just plain stupid and their service in our area is lacking according to many people I know. I don't use it but I know they'd like me to 'cause of the endless number of junk ads they send me in the mail. No thanks and please BUGGER OFF!!!! You charge too much-- 'specially during hard economic times-- for the average person to afford. You could very easily lower your rates to something reasonable. And, not YOUR concept of "reasonable" which is to offer a slightly smaller unreasonable price for the first 12 months (etc.) then jack it up to an even more obscene price afterwards. It's like a person showing up at your front door with a smile and bouquet of flowers. They leave and you say, "Ohhhhhhh....that was sooooo nice!!!" Then, they show up a few months later, break into your house and ____ ___ you while you're sleeping (feel free to fill in the blanks). That's sadly typical for most businesses-- the seductive introductory offer and then--GASP--the truth is revealed!!!! Of course, they tell you all the bad stuff in the small print that they make sooooooo tiny and flash sooooo fast on tv that you can't possibly read it. Another standard tactic. Quit it!!!!
Onto Verizon. All the same stuff from the Comcast section applies down here too. But there's sooooo much more.
We all know about the wonderful, fast, awesome, glorious overpriced thing called FIOS (fibre optics). It's the latest and greatest thing EVER according to a speed obsessed world. Verizon gives this to us at an ass-rapingly wonderful price. (See above for how that works out.) How deeeeeelightful of them. Hmmmmm? Anyway....Alright, here's some more beefy background on that. As of 2009, we still have nice, ordinary land-line phone service through Verizon which is normally not toooooo awful. Their speed at fixing problems that arose had always varied each time something happened. It went from ok to downright sucky recently. When they started putting up the FIOS lines they had those service people in their installation trucks running everywhere. Couldn't go a single place without seeing 3 or 4 of them on call. Wow those suckers were busy!!! A little too busy. In fact, while they were putting up their precious FIOS in our neighborhood they knocked out out standard phone service for a week. But, this was the part that got me. Apparently, because all their trucks and repair people were engaged in FIOS installation, no one would be able to get to our problem for about 7 days. Even after natural disasters they'd gotten things up faster than that. It seems WE weren't a priority at this time-- us with our simple, standard phone plan. Even being loooooong time customers didn't seem to matter. Sorry, but that annoys me and is just plain wrong. But hey, they know they'll make more money off the FIOS customers so screw everybody else.
Now... onto their advertising. Their ads are the "I wish I had a gun so I could shoot the telly" type. I mean, come on...are these offensively stupid and annoying ads ACTUALLY working for you people??? I don't know anyone who finds them appealing in the least. And the frequency in which they broadcast them is...GAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Do we really need to see two FIOS ads during EVERY commercial break??? And this is 24 hours a day EVERY DAY!!! You know how much it's costing them to advertise that much? I'm sure it ain't bloody cheap.
VERIZON PEOPLE, READ THIS!!!! We know FIOS exists! We know YOU have it as a service! If we want it, WE will look YOU up!!!! STOP beating it into our heads like we're forgetful idiots!!!! Who knows...if you stopped wasting soooo much money blanketing the airwaves with idiotic ads, maybe, just maybe, you could drop your FIOS service prices so much that EVERYBODY would be able to afford it!!!! Then you'd have all the business you could handle. There's a thought for ya! GAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Almost forgot about their paper ads. We get, literally, about 4 per week in the mail box. How many forests have been destroyed so that they..............you get the idea. That's all the venting I'll do on that one. Really needed to get that out of my system. Thanks for reading. Toodles until the next BEEF!!! Your next dose will be very soon. Savour your experience until then.
ADDITIONAL STUFF (August 22, 2009)
My beef grows bigger...
Ahhhhh...just a couple of days after writing the above beef, something else happened!!!!! A huge tree limb fell toward the evening hours and pulled our phone line down. The phone service was, amazingly, still connected but the line was laying halfway across the street. It was pinned under the limb and attatched to the pole on the other side of the road. As many cars and, occasionally, BIG RIGS travel down our road we called Verizon immediatly. And they were so willing to help!!!! Once we got a REAL person on the line...they said they'd TRY to get someone out by morning. BY MORNING!!!???? Ok, once again, the line...YOUR LINE...is lying halfway across the road IN THE DARK where people can't see it. And you're gonna TRY to get to it by morning??? Sheerly amazing. You figure though...what can you do???? You can't put the friggin line back up by yourself. GAAAAAAA!!!!
So what ended up happening? Well, sure enough, drivers couldn't see the line and many hit it. My neighbor , who saw the thing fall, actually came out with his spotlight and started guiding people around it. Before he did that, a very nice Indian lady slammed into it with her car and it caused some damage to her windshield. (Don't worry...she didn't blame us or sue or anything.) After that, I went out with my flashlight to help the neighbor. Meanwhile, I had me dear Mum call the Verizon people AGAIN and tell them about the traffic situation AGAIN. This time they said they'd TRYYYYY to get someone out here a little sooner. Oh, BTW, we also called the police about what was going on. They said they'd send someone out right away to put up traffic cones. More on that later...............I made a quick dry erase board sign saying, LINE DOWN-- CAUTION and shone my flashlight on it when people were going by. An ok fix until the pointy orange cones arrived. I occasionally had to pick up the line so larger vehicles could pass under it too. Anyway...we figured we'd stay out there until the repairman or police came. Well, after about an hour and a half of directing traffic, the Verizon guy finally came and got it back up. I think we both deserved a paycheck or discount from Verizon for all that. What do you think???
Ohhhhhh...I almost forgetted (I do that a lot) ...the police??? About two and a half hours after the repairman left, a cop drove by our house, slowed down, looked around and kept on driving. The next morning, a police officer came to our front door to check up on the previous night's situation. Always there when ya need 'em. Ahem. Buuuuut...this is not a police beef, so, I'll stop there.
That's all for now................................................
Ok...I know I'm not the only one who's irritated at these companies. (Can I get a shout out???) But the competition between these two has really been leaving me cheesed off these days. Now, ok...first off, I want to say that my main beef is against Verizon. I mean, yes, Comcast is part of my beef, but, a smaller part. (That last statement sounded wrong.) Their television ads are just plain stupid and their service in our area is lacking according to many people I know. I don't use it but I know they'd like me to 'cause of the endless number of junk ads they send me in the mail. No thanks and please BUGGER OFF!!!! You charge too much-- 'specially during hard economic times-- for the average person to afford. You could very easily lower your rates to something reasonable. And, not YOUR concept of "reasonable" which is to offer a slightly smaller unreasonable price for the first 12 months (etc.) then jack it up to an even more obscene price afterwards. It's like a person showing up at your front door with a smile and bouquet of flowers. They leave and you say, "Ohhhhhhh....that was sooooo nice!!!" Then, they show up a few months later, break into your house and ____ ___ you while you're sleeping (feel free to fill in the blanks). That's sadly typical for most businesses-- the seductive introductory offer and then--GASP--the truth is revealed!!!! Of course, they tell you all the bad stuff in the small print that they make sooooooo tiny and flash sooooo fast on tv that you can't possibly read it. Another standard tactic. Quit it!!!!
Onto Verizon. All the same stuff from the Comcast section applies down here too. But there's sooooo much more.
We all know about the wonderful, fast, awesome, glorious overpriced thing called FIOS (fibre optics). It's the latest and greatest thing EVER according to a speed obsessed world. Verizon gives this to us at an ass-rapingly wonderful price. (See above for how that works out.) How deeeeeelightful of them. Hmmmmm? Anyway....Alright, here's some more beefy background on that. As of 2009, we still have nice, ordinary land-line phone service through Verizon which is normally not toooooo awful. Their speed at fixing problems that arose had always varied each time something happened. It went from ok to downright sucky recently. When they started putting up the FIOS lines they had those service people in their installation trucks running everywhere. Couldn't go a single place without seeing 3 or 4 of them on call. Wow those suckers were busy!!! A little too busy. In fact, while they were putting up their precious FIOS in our neighborhood they knocked out out standard phone service for a week. But, this was the part that got me. Apparently, because all their trucks and repair people were engaged in FIOS installation, no one would be able to get to our problem for about 7 days. Even after natural disasters they'd gotten things up faster than that. It seems WE weren't a priority at this time-- us with our simple, standard phone plan. Even being loooooong time customers didn't seem to matter. Sorry, but that annoys me and is just plain wrong. But hey, they know they'll make more money off the FIOS customers so screw everybody else.
Now... onto their advertising. Their ads are the "I wish I had a gun so I could shoot the telly" type. I mean, come on...are these offensively stupid and annoying ads ACTUALLY working for you people??? I don't know anyone who finds them appealing in the least. And the frequency in which they broadcast them is...GAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Do we really need to see two FIOS ads during EVERY commercial break??? And this is 24 hours a day EVERY DAY!!! You know how much it's costing them to advertise that much? I'm sure it ain't bloody cheap.
VERIZON PEOPLE, READ THIS!!!! We know FIOS exists! We know YOU have it as a service! If we want it, WE will look YOU up!!!! STOP beating it into our heads like we're forgetful idiots!!!! Who knows...if you stopped wasting soooo much money blanketing the airwaves with idiotic ads, maybe, just maybe, you could drop your FIOS service prices so much that EVERYBODY would be able to afford it!!!! Then you'd have all the business you could handle. There's a thought for ya! GAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Almost forgot about their paper ads. We get, literally, about 4 per week in the mail box. How many forests have been destroyed so that they..............you get the idea. That's all the venting I'll do on that one. Really needed to get that out of my system. Thanks for reading. Toodles until the next BEEF!!! Your next dose will be very soon. Savour your experience until then.
ADDITIONAL STUFF (August 22, 2009)
My beef grows bigger...
Ahhhhh...just a couple of days after writing the above beef, something else happened!!!!! A huge tree limb fell toward the evening hours and pulled our phone line down. The phone service was, amazingly, still connected but the line was laying halfway across the street. It was pinned under the limb and attatched to the pole on the other side of the road. As many cars and, occasionally, BIG RIGS travel down our road we called Verizon immediatly. And they were so willing to help!!!! Once we got a REAL person on the line...they said they'd TRY to get someone out by morning. BY MORNING!!!???? Ok, once again, the line...YOUR LINE...is lying halfway across the road IN THE DARK where people can't see it. And you're gonna TRY to get to it by morning??? Sheerly amazing. You figure though...what can you do???? You can't put the friggin line back up by yourself. GAAAAAAA!!!!
So what ended up happening? Well, sure enough, drivers couldn't see the line and many hit it. My neighbor , who saw the thing fall, actually came out with his spotlight and started guiding people around it. Before he did that, a very nice Indian lady slammed into it with her car and it caused some damage to her windshield. (Don't worry...she didn't blame us or sue or anything.) After that, I went out with my flashlight to help the neighbor. Meanwhile, I had me dear Mum call the Verizon people AGAIN and tell them about the traffic situation AGAIN. This time they said they'd TRYYYYY to get someone out here a little sooner. Oh, BTW, we also called the police about what was going on. They said they'd send someone out right away to put up traffic cones. More on that later...............I made a quick dry erase board sign saying, LINE DOWN-- CAUTION and shone my flashlight on it when people were going by. An ok fix until the pointy orange cones arrived. I occasionally had to pick up the line so larger vehicles could pass under it too. Anyway...we figured we'd stay out there until the repairman or police came. Well, after about an hour and a half of directing traffic, the Verizon guy finally came and got it back up. I think we both deserved a paycheck or discount from Verizon for all that. What do you think???
Ohhhhhh...I almost forgetted (I do that a lot) ...the police??? About two and a half hours after the repairman left, a cop drove by our house, slowed down, looked around and kept on driving. The next morning, a police officer came to our front door to check up on the previous night's situation. Always there when ya need 'em. Ahem. Buuuuut...this is not a police beef, so, I'll stop there.
That's all for now................................................
An inbetween note from Patrick:
I'm certian that people want more of my beef. But remember, my beef doesn't grow on trees. I'll try my best to keep giving it to you as often as possible. I don't always have time to fiddle with it though. I am an artist ya know. Sometimes my hands are engaged in artistic projects. It makes them so tired that I just don't feel like working on my beef too. Although I often try, I get horrible cramps and have to stop. So, yeah...even when I have beef on the brain, you'll occasionally have to wait. Just give me time to get it up for you. I'll stick it on here ASAP. A fresh piece of beef will be in your face before you know it. Hurrah!! Hurrah!!!
I'm certian that people want more of my beef. But remember, my beef doesn't grow on trees. I'll try my best to keep giving it to you as often as possible. I don't always have time to fiddle with it though. I am an artist ya know. Sometimes my hands are engaged in artistic projects. It makes them so tired that I just don't feel like working on my beef too. Although I often try, I get horrible cramps and have to stop. So, yeah...even when I have beef on the brain, you'll occasionally have to wait. Just give me time to get it up for you. I'll stick it on here ASAP. A fresh piece of beef will be in your face before you know it. Hurrah!! Hurrah!!!
THE ICE CREAM TRUCK: The evil that lurks (August/September 2009)
Not sure if this one's a beef, but...
(Tee hee, I said beef but. Sounds rather rude. I do NOT condone anal however. Both OWW, and, EWW. Hmmmm...ice cream and the "hershey highway." Probably shouldn't dwell on the connection there too much. Hmmmmm...bet it would be cold...very cold. BRB................................yepp. Well...just found a new use for my trusty old heating pad. Golly...probably shoud've wrapped it in a towel first. Very stickey. Very stickey indeed. But I like the smell of vanilla so everything is ok. Hope grandpa doesn't notice next time he uses it. Oh wait...he's been dead since the 80's. Never mind.)
And now the actual topic:
Yes folks, the old staple from years gone by is actually still around in some places--at least in 2009 Virginia. Yeah...it surprises the heck outta me too. I admit that in my childhood years, I, much like many others, grew excited everytime I'd hear their canned, repeditive music coming down the block. In my adult years that feeling has been replaced by feelings of annoyance, fear and also a little bit of disgust. (I'll explain that disgust part later, later, later.) Just like everything else, the quality (and size) of the product inside seems to have gone down and yet the price has gone up. But everybody else can discuss that one on their own time and webpage. What I'm here to talk about is the utter spoooooooooooookiness of the ice cream truck. Oh my freakin' goodness...those things just creep me out. They seem strangely... EVIL...for some reason.
A short story from my life:
During Spring when picking my niece up from school, we'd arrive a little early and wait for her in a regular place across the street. Sure enough, just like clockwork, a few minutes after we arrive you'd begin to hear...doo-doo-doo-doo-dee, doo-dee, doo-dee, daa-daa-daa-daa-doo-daa-daa-doo-dah-dah. ( It's the one Herbert the pervert sang on "Family Guy." ) A chill would run up and down my spine. It would start off softly in the distance, becoming louder as it approached. The sickening sense of dread would grow. Then we'd see it turning the corner. No matter where on the street we seemed to park, it would pause right next to us as the school kids were getting out for the day...and it would wait. I never once saw a single kid buy anything from it, but...everyday...it would come...and wait. I never could see the person inside either... if, indeed, it was a person (shutttttttttter). Ok, reading this, you've probably wet yer knickers from fear just like I have from writing it. BRB....................................................
Alrighty then, I threw on an extra absorbant adult nappy (diaper) just in case of further fright induced leakage (or ice cream experiments). Even though I'm done with the creepy part, I felt it would be a good idea anyway. You know...in case I don't feel like getting up again while I'm writing. But enough of that. ( 'Ere...'ope the British slang weren't lost on ya.)
That last part of the other paragraph reminds me of something I forgot. I forgot to explain the part about what disgusted me. Well, you know how the trucks always play that innocent (yet creepy) kiddie-type music? Or how they play instrumental versions of popular old songs? (Something that sounds like music a clown would hear on his inevitable elevator ride to hell-- where all clowns go.) It's annoying and, as I said, creepy, but I understand it's purpose. It's meant to grab your attention. You hear it and think...ICE CREAM AND OTHER FROZEN YUMM YUMMS ARE COMING!!!!!! You might hear camptown races, etc., and that's fine. But lately, they've been using a rather (ahem) unusual selection...LA CUCARACHA, the Mexican Cockroach Song! LA feckin' CUCARACHA!!!!!! Frozen treats and cockroaches. Wonderful combo. Hey, maybe that's what really makes your frozen crispysicle (no brand names to avoid lawsuits) so extra crispy. I see this as further proof that something twisted and evil is driving those trucks. Maybe I've just seen tooooo many horror films???? Ehhhhhh.
Hey, I think that last part was actually beefish!!! Coool!!! I made a beef out of it!!! Bully fer me!!!!!
(Why do I still feel cold and vanillaish??? Maybe I should've used chocolate. Nah. Remember what they say... "Once you go brown, you can't sit down." I think I got all the anal ice cream references out of the way and hopefully out of my system.)
(Tee hee, I said beef but. Sounds rather rude. I do NOT condone anal however. Both OWW, and, EWW. Hmmmm...ice cream and the "hershey highway." Probably shouldn't dwell on the connection there too much. Hmmmmm...bet it would be cold...very cold. BRB................................yepp. Well...just found a new use for my trusty old heating pad. Golly...probably shoud've wrapped it in a towel first. Very stickey. Very stickey indeed. But I like the smell of vanilla so everything is ok. Hope grandpa doesn't notice next time he uses it. Oh wait...he's been dead since the 80's. Never mind.)
And now the actual topic:
Yes folks, the old staple from years gone by is actually still around in some places--at least in 2009 Virginia. Yeah...it surprises the heck outta me too. I admit that in my childhood years, I, much like many others, grew excited everytime I'd hear their canned, repeditive music coming down the block. In my adult years that feeling has been replaced by feelings of annoyance, fear and also a little bit of disgust. (I'll explain that disgust part later, later, later.) Just like everything else, the quality (and size) of the product inside seems to have gone down and yet the price has gone up. But everybody else can discuss that one on their own time and webpage. What I'm here to talk about is the utter spoooooooooooookiness of the ice cream truck. Oh my freakin' goodness...those things just creep me out. They seem strangely... EVIL...for some reason.
A short story from my life:
During Spring when picking my niece up from school, we'd arrive a little early and wait for her in a regular place across the street. Sure enough, just like clockwork, a few minutes after we arrive you'd begin to hear...doo-doo-doo-doo-dee, doo-dee, doo-dee, daa-daa-daa-daa-doo-daa-daa-doo-dah-dah. ( It's the one Herbert the pervert sang on "Family Guy." ) A chill would run up and down my spine. It would start off softly in the distance, becoming louder as it approached. The sickening sense of dread would grow. Then we'd see it turning the corner. No matter where on the street we seemed to park, it would pause right next to us as the school kids were getting out for the day...and it would wait. I never once saw a single kid buy anything from it, but...everyday...it would come...and wait. I never could see the person inside either... if, indeed, it was a person (shutttttttttter). Ok, reading this, you've probably wet yer knickers from fear just like I have from writing it. BRB....................................................
Alrighty then, I threw on an extra absorbant adult nappy (diaper) just in case of further fright induced leakage (or ice cream experiments). Even though I'm done with the creepy part, I felt it would be a good idea anyway. You know...in case I don't feel like getting up again while I'm writing. But enough of that. ( 'Ere...'ope the British slang weren't lost on ya.)
That last part of the other paragraph reminds me of something I forgot. I forgot to explain the part about what disgusted me. Well, you know how the trucks always play that innocent (yet creepy) kiddie-type music? Or how they play instrumental versions of popular old songs? (Something that sounds like music a clown would hear on his inevitable elevator ride to hell-- where all clowns go.) It's annoying and, as I said, creepy, but I understand it's purpose. It's meant to grab your attention. You hear it and think...ICE CREAM AND OTHER FROZEN YUMM YUMMS ARE COMING!!!!!! You might hear camptown races, etc., and that's fine. But lately, they've been using a rather (ahem) unusual selection...LA CUCARACHA, the Mexican Cockroach Song! LA feckin' CUCARACHA!!!!!! Frozen treats and cockroaches. Wonderful combo. Hey, maybe that's what really makes your frozen crispysicle (no brand names to avoid lawsuits) so extra crispy. I see this as further proof that something twisted and evil is driving those trucks. Maybe I've just seen tooooo many horror films???? Ehhhhhh.
Hey, I think that last part was actually beefish!!! Coool!!! I made a beef out of it!!! Bully fer me!!!!!
(Why do I still feel cold and vanillaish??? Maybe I should've used chocolate. Nah. Remember what they say... "Once you go brown, you can't sit down." I think I got all the anal ice cream references out of the way and hopefully out of my system.)
If mine beef offendeth thee...pluck it out.
(Althougheth...it mayest beeth hardeth to extract...eth.)
(Althougheth...it mayest beeth hardeth to extract...eth.)
Just...OPRAH
The Alien Queen
Ohhhhhhh myyyyyy goooodness!!! I had to get my beef up in this!!!! Am I the only one who finds Queen Oprah to be highly annoying??? I know the answer is NOOOOOO on that one for she annoys many (just troll the internet). So, as usual, I won't waste time commenting on the usual irritating Oprah stuff, like...her almost religious newage-guru status and her mentally challenged worshipers who follow her every word and action; her... ooops...was gettin' ready to do the exact thing I said I wasn't gonna do. Sorry.
Anyhoooooooooo...what I was gonna insert my two cent beef for was this--
Oprah is spawning AGAIN!!!!!! You ever noticed that pretty much everybody who is a guest contributor on her show eventually gets their own show???? The know-it-all "experts" from the overly perky Rachel Ray, to the questionable psychologist "Dr." Phil both have their successful programs with lots of followers. Oh, plus, for a short time that Gayle King chick (Oprah's BFF) had one. I think there were and are others but I don't care. Now...as of fall 2009 we can all rejoice!!! Yes...Dr. Oz gets his own too!!!!! Whoopdee freakin' cock-a-doodle-doo. Uggggggg. Noooo more insufferable advice talk shows!!! PLEEEEASE!!!!! Everything under the sun has been talked about over and over again on these shows. There is nothing new to discuss!!!! Just...STOP!!! You people out there should be able to guess by now what kind of advice they're gonna give. It's not like anything they say is gonna be revolutionary, is it????? Pant, pant, pant, pant.......................................
On an unnecessary side note, I will admit Rachel Ray is pretty hot. I would use her sweet, shapley bottom as my pillow every night if offered. But, I have to watch her with the sound off cause she still irritates me in large doses. When she talkie too rong, me no rikey. That was offensive on many levels. (Asians rule!!!!)
Remember the movie "Aliens" don't ya? Remember the first time you laid eyes upon the alien queen?? Remember how they showed her giant ovapositor squeezing out those slimy, leathery eggs??? To me, this is Oprah. In my head I see her clinging to the ceiling, lifting up her giant Oprah butt, extending her slippery tube and...schluuup...PLOP...schluuuuup...PLOP-- more talkshow hosts. (I have odd images in my mind like that. Isn't that wonderful?) Where's Ripley with her pulse rifle and thermite grenades?? Oh, but, leave the Ray gal alone. Once again...awesome booty. What!!??? I'm at least partially human. I notice stuff like that. Although... she is married, so, I probably shouldn't. I'll stop right now. Maybe.
Anyhoooooooooo...what I was gonna insert my two cent beef for was this--
Oprah is spawning AGAIN!!!!!! You ever noticed that pretty much everybody who is a guest contributor on her show eventually gets their own show???? The know-it-all "experts" from the overly perky Rachel Ray, to the questionable psychologist "Dr." Phil both have their successful programs with lots of followers. Oh, plus, for a short time that Gayle King chick (Oprah's BFF) had one. I think there were and are others but I don't care. Now...as of fall 2009 we can all rejoice!!! Yes...Dr. Oz gets his own too!!!!! Whoopdee freakin' cock-a-doodle-doo. Uggggggg. Noooo more insufferable advice talk shows!!! PLEEEEASE!!!!! Everything under the sun has been talked about over and over again on these shows. There is nothing new to discuss!!!! Just...STOP!!! You people out there should be able to guess by now what kind of advice they're gonna give. It's not like anything they say is gonna be revolutionary, is it????? Pant, pant, pant, pant.......................................
On an unnecessary side note, I will admit Rachel Ray is pretty hot. I would use her sweet, shapley bottom as my pillow every night if offered. But, I have to watch her with the sound off cause she still irritates me in large doses. When she talkie too rong, me no rikey. That was offensive on many levels. (Asians rule!!!!)
Remember the movie "Aliens" don't ya? Remember the first time you laid eyes upon the alien queen?? Remember how they showed her giant ovapositor squeezing out those slimy, leathery eggs??? To me, this is Oprah. In my head I see her clinging to the ceiling, lifting up her giant Oprah butt, extending her slippery tube and...schluuup...PLOP...schluuuuup...PLOP-- more talkshow hosts. (I have odd images in my mind like that. Isn't that wonderful?) Where's Ripley with her pulse rifle and thermite grenades?? Oh, but, leave the Ray gal alone. Once again...awesome booty. What!!??? I'm at least partially human. I notice stuff like that. Although... she is married, so, I probably shouldn't. I'll stop right now. Maybe.
The end...or is it?
Kanye West: The Final Straw
I could END with the picture
I have never been a fan of this guy's ...music??? I suppose that's what some people would call it. Frankly, he's always annoyed the piss outta me (pardon my french). For the most part, I've just chosen to ignore him and his mouth farting he calls singing. You know, the "if you don't like it, don't listen" philosophy. I wouldn't have even wasted the space on here to beef about this irrelevent airsickness bag, but...
then you had to do that thing onstage to Taylor Swift. (Not a fan of her music but she's cute and, seemingly, very sweet.) For those who don't know what happened: This rectal fungus got up onstage during one of those doofy music award show thingies (MTV's 2009 VMA Awards) and interrupted her acceptance speech. He interrupted her, swiped the award out of her hand and started ranting about how he thought Beyonce should've gotten the award instead. Ohhhhh Kanye...that was such a wonderful and subtle way to express your erection for Beyonce. I do agree that Beyonce is very beautiful and talented (I have some of her stuff on my IPOD), but...Kanye...Kanye...Kanye...
SIT YOUR UNTALENTED ASS DOWN AND SHUT YOUR UNTALENTED ASS UP!!!!!! Beyonce, who actually has talent, does not need you, who has NONE, promoting her. Oh, and guess what...everything ain't all about you!!! Stick a silver-plated shrimp fork in your ego dude, 'cause it, my friend, is done.
Does anybody else think that this guy probably has a house full of full length mirrors? Can you picture what I'm picturing??? There's Kanye, standing in front of one with his shirt off, just admiring how wonderful he thinks he is. Then he moves on to the next room and does the same. You know, you, Chris Brown and R Kelly (maybe even dredge up the washed up Bobby Brown) should just move in with each other. Then all of you can strip your shirts off together and admire what you seem to think you have in front of those mirrors. (Break out the baby oil. Ewww...gross thought.) From the outside...we can then bolt the doors. Woooo hoooooooooooo!!!!!!
This closes off the West file forever...hopefully.
then you had to do that thing onstage to Taylor Swift. (Not a fan of her music but she's cute and, seemingly, very sweet.) For those who don't know what happened: This rectal fungus got up onstage during one of those doofy music award show thingies (MTV's 2009 VMA Awards) and interrupted her acceptance speech. He interrupted her, swiped the award out of her hand and started ranting about how he thought Beyonce should've gotten the award instead. Ohhhhh Kanye...that was such a wonderful and subtle way to express your erection for Beyonce. I do agree that Beyonce is very beautiful and talented (I have some of her stuff on my IPOD), but...Kanye...Kanye...Kanye...
SIT YOUR UNTALENTED ASS DOWN AND SHUT YOUR UNTALENTED ASS UP!!!!!! Beyonce, who actually has talent, does not need you, who has NONE, promoting her. Oh, and guess what...everything ain't all about you!!! Stick a silver-plated shrimp fork in your ego dude, 'cause it, my friend, is done.
Does anybody else think that this guy probably has a house full of full length mirrors? Can you picture what I'm picturing??? There's Kanye, standing in front of one with his shirt off, just admiring how wonderful he thinks he is. Then he moves on to the next room and does the same. You know, you, Chris Brown and R Kelly (maybe even dredge up the washed up Bobby Brown) should just move in with each other. Then all of you can strip your shirts off together and admire what you seem to think you have in front of those mirrors. (Break out the baby oil. Ewww...gross thought.) From the outside...we can then bolt the doors. Woooo hoooooooooooo!!!!!!
This closes off the West file forever...hopefully.
If you prick me, do I not beef?
Shum call herrrr octomom...
but I know herrrr azh...
OCTOPUSSHY!
Yesh Mish Moneypenny. Her birrrrthname izh Octopusshy. (It's very difficult to write in Sean Connery. Took minutes of practice.)
Nadya Suleman. I find myself asking this question so much these days. Whyyyy? Whyyyyyyyy? For the love of all that is holy...and speaking of holy. 8 kids? She had 8 kids? That was in addition to the ones she already had before. I mean, I know the vagina is supposed to kinda, like, recover from that sorta thing to an extent. But there are limits. I just feel kinda sorry for this gal really-- so in need of love, attention and appreciation. I feel more sorry for the next guy who gets involved with her though. I mean, at this point, you could probably take a 6 foot man, put another 6 foot man on his shoulders, and have him do jumping jacks in her vagina. This, symbolically, is an exhausting thought for me. Very, very exhausting.
Sigh...
I would insert sooooo much more beef here if I could. There's just sooooooooooo much space to cover that I feel overwhelmed. I just, just, just don't have enough beef. Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace. Echo, echo, echo, echo.................................................
Ummmmm...
Thank you for contributing to overpopulation.
Ummmmmmmmm...
She's still not as bad as countryfolk.
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm...
I'm being random here out of desperation to prolong myself.
Wow................................pant, pant, pant...................................
This beef is now almost a limp, distant memory fading off into the sunset of a distant dream belonging to a flea residing on a monkey climbing on a tree growing on an asteroid hurdling toward a long dead star that has now turned into a black hole that is Oprah Winfrey's anus and is now appearing on her talk show for the 5th time. I need a nap. I am spent.
Ok, one more addition. Here's a country song I wrote. Just add your own country music in your head. Think "The Beverly Hillbillies" or something.
Ohhhhh...there's a tunnel in the desert that I drive all night.
I keep on drivin' but I never see the light.
I keep on askin', "why'd I ever go in?"
This dern thing just don't have an end.
It's a crazy, crazy giant thing there.
Ohhhhh...I drive to the left and I drive to the right,
Couldn't even hit a wall, not with all my might.
Not even with my big, big rig, could I crash in this tunnel
Cause they made it so big.
Huge...freakishly huge. Like Dwight Yokkam's hat closet huge.
Could take a thousand head-a-cattle and march 'em in line.
Throw in a couple whales and you'd still be fine.
Ain't no reason for sumthin this large.
What's that noise??? Oh, here comes a barge.
Like one a them big seaports. Lotta navy ships...lotta sea men.
Now some aliens came down in a big, big ship.
The military saw 'em so they had to hide quick.
Oh, you guessed right-- didn't have to go far.
They moved in the tunnel, even opened up a bar.
Decided to stay fer awhile. Built a big un. Lots of parkin' ...in the front...in the side...in the rear. Probably open up a six story hotel pretty soon. Might open up a business up in there myself someday. Thinkin' bout a bait shop. Could even put in a catfish pond out back. Maybe raise some giraffes..........................................
(That'd be a kick-ass, mofo country hit.)
**********************************************************************************
And what happens if there's a yeast infection??? I mean...is...is...is...there enough creme... anywhere, for that?
Ok, I believe I'm officially finished. I think. You'll be the first to find out if I'm not. Perhaps........................
I wonder if Lewis and Clark would...nah...I'll shut up. I'm sure you're offended enough.
Nadya Suleman. I find myself asking this question so much these days. Whyyyy? Whyyyyyyyy? For the love of all that is holy...and speaking of holy. 8 kids? She had 8 kids? That was in addition to the ones she already had before. I mean, I know the vagina is supposed to kinda, like, recover from that sorta thing to an extent. But there are limits. I just feel kinda sorry for this gal really-- so in need of love, attention and appreciation. I feel more sorry for the next guy who gets involved with her though. I mean, at this point, you could probably take a 6 foot man, put another 6 foot man on his shoulders, and have him do jumping jacks in her vagina. This, symbolically, is an exhausting thought for me. Very, very exhausting.
Sigh...
I would insert sooooo much more beef here if I could. There's just sooooooooooo much space to cover that I feel overwhelmed. I just, just, just don't have enough beef. Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace. Echo, echo, echo, echo.................................................
Ummmmm...
Thank you for contributing to overpopulation.
Ummmmmmmmm...
She's still not as bad as countryfolk.
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm...
I'm being random here out of desperation to prolong myself.
Wow................................pant, pant, pant...................................
This beef is now almost a limp, distant memory fading off into the sunset of a distant dream belonging to a flea residing on a monkey climbing on a tree growing on an asteroid hurdling toward a long dead star that has now turned into a black hole that is Oprah Winfrey's anus and is now appearing on her talk show for the 5th time. I need a nap. I am spent.
Ok, one more addition. Here's a country song I wrote. Just add your own country music in your head. Think "The Beverly Hillbillies" or something.
Ohhhhh...there's a tunnel in the desert that I drive all night.
I keep on drivin' but I never see the light.
I keep on askin', "why'd I ever go in?"
This dern thing just don't have an end.
It's a crazy, crazy giant thing there.
Ohhhhh...I drive to the left and I drive to the right,
Couldn't even hit a wall, not with all my might.
Not even with my big, big rig, could I crash in this tunnel
Cause they made it so big.
Huge...freakishly huge. Like Dwight Yokkam's hat closet huge.
Could take a thousand head-a-cattle and march 'em in line.
Throw in a couple whales and you'd still be fine.
Ain't no reason for sumthin this large.
What's that noise??? Oh, here comes a barge.
Like one a them big seaports. Lotta navy ships...lotta sea men.
Now some aliens came down in a big, big ship.
The military saw 'em so they had to hide quick.
Oh, you guessed right-- didn't have to go far.
They moved in the tunnel, even opened up a bar.
Decided to stay fer awhile. Built a big un. Lots of parkin' ...in the front...in the side...in the rear. Probably open up a six story hotel pretty soon. Might open up a business up in there myself someday. Thinkin' bout a bait shop. Could even put in a catfish pond out back. Maybe raise some giraffes..........................................
(That'd be a kick-ass, mofo country hit.)
**********************************************************************************
And what happens if there's a yeast infection??? I mean...is...is...is...there enough creme... anywhere, for that?
Ok, I believe I'm officially finished. I think. You'll be the first to find out if I'm not. Perhaps........................
I wonder if Lewis and Clark would...nah...I'll shut up. I'm sure you're offended enough.
