WARNING: THIS SECTION CONTAINS GRAPHIC PICTURES OF NATURE THAT SOME MAY FIND OBJECTIONABLE. IF YOU FIND THE DISPLAY OF BLACK NATIVE BOOBIES IN NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC (don't sue) OFFENSIVE, THIS IS MUCH, MUCH, MUCH WORSE. IF YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO GOES TO THE ZOO WITH THE HOPE OF SEEING AN ELEPHANT GET A FOUR FOOT ERECTION, YOU'LL BE OK.
HOW TREES REPRODUCE: THE SECRETS REVEALED.
I know if you're like me (and there's no reason you should be) you've often wondered... where do them tree babies come from????? Every time I've asked that question all I've gotten is a strange look. Being a creature of extreme curiosity I set out to find the answers. Here in this section I'll reveal what I discovered. Read on.
The mighty tree. So mysterious. So majestic. So woody. You see them almost everywhere. I see them in the park, in my back yard, even in places they call "forests." Where did they come from???? How did they get there???? Both are very good questions. I'm glad I asked. Together, in this article, we shall explore this curious mystery of the mysterious. Weshall call it, "THE BIRDS & BEES OF TREES." (We are pleased with the title.)
I spent many an hour roaming around trees in various locations trying to catch a glimpse of how they reproduce. It was a long, slow process as they tend to be rather nervous and suspicious when humans are present. I eventually learned the technique of walking up to them very slowly with my arms outstretched, swaying from side to side. This seemed to convince them I was one of their own, thus preventing them from running away as they so often do. Soon this led to them trusting me enough to act more naturally. In fact, they became so accustomed to seeing me that they gave me a special nickname-- "dances with wood." It was amazing, I felt so at one with the tree folk at this time. Their hidden world was now wide open to me. It was not what I expected. I discovered that trees are very much like people, and their mating habits equally so. Even more amazingly, their reproductive biology was remarkably similar as well.
Look very closely at the picture above the words you're reading now in this paragraph that you're reading now. Can you guess what this is??? Yes!!! You're absolutely correct! It is a tree vagina. I believe it belonged to some sort of European species. I deduced that by the presence of so much ivy. I believe that's still the style they prefer. Either that, or, it was just one of those "hippie trees" we've all heard about.
Now, I don't know if you can appreciate the concept of size here, so, below I have included a shot of myself next to the "treegina" purely (purely) for scale. I am aproximately 5 feet 9 inches tall. Yeah, that's a big freakin' treegina...right? (Must've spent some time in the Black Forest.) Actually, after staring long and hard at many treeginas, I found this to be the average in size. I'll confess, I became absolutely enthralled with this bark covered miracle of nature. I almost began feeling like some sort of trynacologist. This near-obsession would prove to be a risky one indeed.
We knowledge seekers like myself and many other knowledge seekers often put our lives at great risk to bring people...well...knowledge. It was no different for yours truly. Although I usually try to be very careful, I learned a very valuable lesson whilst dealing with female trees...
DO NOTget too close to a treegina during mating season. This tree was in serious heat. I, being the wonderful piece of man-meat that I am (ahem), was almost pulled to my death by strangler-vine tree pubes. Believe me, no one wants to die being used as a masturbatory device by an oak tree.